Funny or Die’s Presidential Reunion
Barack Obama gets a surprise visit in the night from ex-Presidents Bush Sr., Bush Jr., Clinton, Ford, Reagan and Carter to get a few pointers about the Consumer Financial Protection Agency and why it’s so important.
We’re the TSA and You Can Count on Us! (to overreact to tiny threats and ignore big ones)
We’re the Transportation Security Administration. We’re working hard to make sure you enjoy a safe flight. And while we cannot apprehend every terrorist, you can count on us to do what we’re trained to do whenever there’s a security breach–overreact to tiny threats.
Overreact to tiny threats; ignore the big ones. That’s what we do, and we do it better than anyone.
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Distract your boss in one easy step!
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February 9, 2010 by supermario
Filed under Satire
Cheney calls for ‘moral toughness’
thedailymash.co.uk
THE arrest of a US soldier accused of sticking his daughter’s head in a sink has sparked a national debate over when it is acceptable to water-board a child.
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Across America liberals and conservatives have clashed after army Sergeant Joshua Tabor was charged with using CIA-style interrogation methods to extract an apology from his wayward four year-old.
Fox News political commentator, Nathan Muir, said: “As usual the east coast liberals are defining this incident in terms of ‘civil rights’ and ‘due process’.
Book Mark it-> del.icio.us | Reddit | Slashdot | Digg | Facebook | Technorati | Google | StumbleUpon | Window Live | Tailrank | Furl | Netscape | Yahoo | BlinkListUnderwear Bomber’s Torture Confession: Al-Qaeda Will Use Explosive Tampons (Satire)
January 27, 2010 by supermario
Filed under Satire
By Mario Andrade
DeadlineLive.info
Despite news reports indicating that underwear bomber Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab is being tried in a civilian court, the CIA has conceded that he’s being secretly held in an undisclosed location. In a secret facility, Jack Bauer is torturing him to get information about Al-Qaeda’s next plans.
According to anonymous CIA sources, Abdulmutallab has been stubborn and ‘hard to break,’ often spitting in Jack Bauer’s face. But Bauer is a persistent enhanced interrogations specialist, and he finally managed to get what many terrorism experts consider very credible information from Abdulmutallab.
According to Bauer and three other interrogators, after removing Abdulmutallab third fingernail, he mentioned that Al-Qaeda is already practicing how to beat the airport full body scanners. “He started laughing,” Bauer said. Then he said “We already know how to beat your stupid naked scanner. The holy warriors are recruiting women with explosive tampons.” After hearing this confession, Jack Bauer stood up, angrily threw his chair against the wall and yelled “son of a bitch!”
Apparently, Al-Qaeda operatives in Yemen somehow managed to purchase a few full body scanners from security firm associates with ties to former Bush cabinet members Richard Perle and Michael Chertoff. The purchases were made via third party and at wholesale prices. As a result, they are using these scanners to conduct ‘practice runs’ with tampons made of C-4 explosive material. Abdulmutallab also stated that it is somewhat difficult to find women to do this, so the Al-Qaeda operatives have performed some successful tests via rectal cavity.
When reached for comment, Michael Chertoff said “Not to worry! We have the situation under control. We are already working on developing a new vaginal explosives detector. All we need to do is to make sure every woman that boards an airplane gets this test. Hopefully, with the American people’s support, we can get this system implemented at every airport.” When asked about the possibility that men can insert these explosive tampons via rectal cavity, Chertoff said “We are working on a device that will detect those explosives as well.”
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January 27, 2010 by supermario
Filed under Satire
borowitzreport.com
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – One day after claiming responsibility for the Christmas Day underpants bomber, Osama bin Laden appeared in a new terror tape today in which he claimed responsibility for the Balloon Boy hoax that held the nation spellbound last year.
“The so-called Balloon Boy claimed that he ‘did it for the show,’” a stern-faced bin Laden says on the tape, which surfaced Sunday morning. “In point of fact, he did it for jihad!”
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Obama Says F*ck It: SuperNews!
After a year in the Oval office with an attitude of hope and change, Obama says f*ck it.
Book Mark it-> del.icio.us | Reddit | Slashdot | Digg | Facebook | Technorati | Google | StumbleUpon | Window Live | Tailrank | Furl | Netscape | Yahoo | BlinkListThe Jack Bauer “Damnit” Security Advisory System
Low (Green) = damnit
The word “damnit” is in all lowercase letters to tell you that the situation is, at best, a minor inconvenience. Perhaps Jack stubbed in toe on a container of Sarin gas or maybe he bruised his knuckles while punching out a terrorist. It’s really no big deal, and you should just go about business as usual.
Guarded (Blue) = Damnit
The capitalized “D” means things are a little bit more difficult, but still easily within Jack Bauer’s control. Maybe he found some blueprints for a bomb inside the United Nations, or maybe there’s intel on a damaged memory card with some random coordinates on it. There’s definitely something suspicious going on, but Jack Bauer is on the case, so there’s still very little to worry about because he’ll probably stop the terrorists.
Elevated (Yellow) = Damnit!
The exclamation point means things are getting tense. It means Jack Bauer has credible information that a terrorist attack is going to happen within the hour (there’s always something happening within the hour on 24). It hasn’t happened, and there are still 58 minutes left to stop it, but you’re in for a very heightened sense of danger.
High (Orange) = DAMNIT
This is probably the most common of Jack Bauer’s “damnit”s, indicating frustration over something pretty bad that’s happened. Maybe a co-worker died when terrorists leaked gas into CTU, or perhaps Jack himself was forced to shoot a colleague who was standing between him and the terrorist. Something seriously awful had to happen to reach this level, and it’s going to take all of the items in Jack Bauer’s man bag to stop it.
Severe (Red) = DAMNIT!!!
All caps and three exclamation points can only mean one thing: a major terrorist attack has occurred. Maybe a nuclear bomb was detonated on U.S. soil or Air Force One was shot down by a missile or maybe the terrorists have broken into the White House and are holding the president hostage. Either way, if you hear a very loud “DAMNIT!!!” coming from Jack Bauer, you know it’s time to head to the panic room.
Return of the GOP: SuperNews!
Dick Cheney and his Republican underlings plot to control the national dialogue.
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