Its satire! Note it is in the Satire section. Its good satire (allegedly) because it has a ring of truth. South Chicago aint laughing I guess….
My Money is on these guys and their rivals!
THE PENTAGON — Troops headed overseas will soon be offered the most realistic combat training yet, as Pentagon officials announced late Friday that pre-deployment training would take place in Detroit and Chicago.
“We wanted to offer our soldiers and Marines realistic urban environments, a local populace that hates police and other government officials, and lots of gunfire,” said Lt. Col. Mike Hayes, an Army spokesman. “Hell, you hit more than those three if you walk in Flint, Michigan after dark.”
Pentagon sources confirmed that Detroit and Chicago offer much better training opportunities than built-up towns of conex boxes filled with actors playing Afghan insurgents.
“Instead, now we have an ultra-realistic city, bullets, and real gunshot wounds to soldiers who happen to roll into the wrong gang territory,” Hayes said. “Think of how much better our medics are going to be.”
In addition to gang retaliation and gunshot wounds, soldiers training at Detroit’s six-week infrastructure rebuilding and destabilizing course will learn to master providing electricity, water, and other basic services to the civilian populace while being stifled by realistic government corruption and mismanagement.
“I’m convinced that by the time these troops get overseas after training in these shitholes, Afghanistan will be a piece of cake,” Hayes said.
Jon Stewart returned to Comedy Central’s “Daily Show” Tuesday night after spending the summer directing a film in Jordan, and the host wasted no time in going after the Obama administration and Congress members on Syria.
Correspondent John Oliver filled in for Mr. Stewart for eight of the 12-week break, and he gave the returning host an on-air rundown of the summer’s news.
“Wow! America taking military action against a Middle East regime? It’s like I never left,” the host said, before leading into a segment called “Uncle Jonny Stew’s Good Time Syria Jamboree,” featuring presidents who delivered various threats against Middle Eastern countries.
The host then cracked jokes like, “Saudi Arabia, Qatar and Syria walk into a bar called ‘America Is Not Planning on Bombing You,’ and the bartender says, ‘Uh, I don’t think you should be in here, Syria.”
He played a clip of Secretary of State John Kerry mentioning “signatures of sarin [gas],” and turned “Signatures of Sarin” into a sensual Calvin Klein fragrance, “because love is blind… now.”
The host blasted proponents of a Syria strike as 7th-grade bullies and exploded at the “parade of idiots,” which included Donald Rumsfeld, Bill Kristol and L. Paul Bremer, who have been vocal about the conflict.
Stewart spent the summer directing “Rosewater,” which is based on the book “Then They Came For Me” — journalist Maziar Bahari’s memoir of his 118-day ordeal in Iranian prison, Today reported.
Missouri U.S. senate candidate Todd Akin has stoked more outrage today by claiming that male homosexuality is a disease and that the medical establishment has found the cure.
The Republican congressman, already under fire for his controversial comments regarding rape, told a reporter for Cape Giradeau’sKBSI 23 News that “female breastmilk – when fed directly to an adult homosexual male daily for at least four weeks – has a 94% chance of permanently curing homosexual perversions.”
“Lesbians can be cured by drinking something else.” (cough, choke…)
Akin made the scientifically dubious statement during an interview that was supposed to mark the “rebirth” of his campaign to defeat incumbent U.S. senator Claire McCaskill.
Akin was leading in the polls until August 19th when he told a local radio host that victims of “legitimate rape” could not become pregnant because “the female body has ways of shutting that whole thing down.” In the wake of the ensuing controversy his 11 point lead in the polls has turned into a 10 point deficit, and observers have written off his chances at winning the seat.
No Means No
Facing certain defeat, all major figures in the Republican Party have called for Akin to stand aside and allow another candidate to run. The Republican Senatorial Campaign Committee and several important outside groups have also pulled funding for his bid.
Despite the heavy pressure, Akin has refused to step aside saying he is in the race to win.
In the interview Akin explained that he will never back down from his beliefs and he is excited to bring his unique brand of conservatism to the U.S. Senate.
Ducking questions about his viability he proceeded to educate reporter Jeff Raskin on several issues very close to his heart including the global conspiracy to falsify the fossil record in the name of “radical Darwinism”, and the plot to turn Michigan into the capital of a new Islamic States of America.
Spray the Gay Away
But the congressman really hit his stride when discussing homosexuality.
“This may surprise you Jeff, but I don’t think homosexuality is a choice. We evangelicals, we know that it’s a disease. But the good news is – we have the cure.”
Akin then explained, ”The National Institutes of Health has treated hundreds of young men through clinical trials at their headquarters in Maryland. They don’t want the public to know because the secular liberal elites have succeeded in brainwashing the public into believing that homosexuality is a positive thing.”
“We now know how to purge men of sin and put them on a path towards god. Why can’t every gay man in America have that knowledge? Just 4 weeks of live breastfeeding can cure them of their terrible suffering. Why aren’t we talking about this?”
Somewhat dumbfounded by the brazenness of Akin’s pronouncement, the reporter then asked if this supposed treatment only worked on men.
“Lesbians can be cured by drinking something else,” Akin replied “I’ll leave that one to your imagination.”
Claire McCaskill has issued a statement denouncing Akin’s latest gaffe as “an outrageous and offensive pseudo-scientific slander” and called on national Republicans to “respect the choice of Missourians” and allow Akin to continue his campaign.
A massive robot that can carry a seated human pilot, and is armed with twin gatling guns, has gone on show in Japan.
Kuratas is described as the world’s first giant boarding robot, no doubt inspired by the “mechs” of Japanese anime and manga comic book culture which features human controllers inside a walking vehicle.
But Kuratas is different in that it offers two types of control system.
The robot can be piloted directly (Ala Avatar), or remotely by a user connected to a 3G device such as a laptop, tablet or smartphone (drone).
The firm that made the robot, Suidobashi Heavy Industry, even released a tongue-in-cheek video showing how to operate the robot.
It was unveiled to the world at the Wonder Festival in the Tokyo suburb of Chiba.
Kuratas, which is referred to as the Vaudeville project in a promotional video, has two humanoid arms and four wheeled legs – and twin six-barrelled gatling guns – which fire BB-sized pellets at the rate of 6,000 rounds per minute.
According to Suidobashi, the weapons are fired when the operator smiles – a system known as “the smile shot”.
Onlookers immediately likened the presence of the guns to the bipedal ED-209 from Paul Verhoeven’s 1987 movie Robocop.
The Enforcement Droid was being presented to a board meeting when it malfunctioned, fatally opening fire on a hapless young OCP executive called Mr Kinney.
There was no such mishap at the Wonder Festival, and the robot was even allowed out onto the streets of Tokyo, where it was seen being driven through the traffic powered by a diesel engine.
The device, which travels at just 7mph, can be set to move in a low or high position to enhance the pilot’s field of view.
It also features a Lohas launcher – which fires bottles of water – and Iron Crow hands and “feet”.
The robot is huge – measuring four metres in height and weighing four tonnes.
But it also comes with a suitably huge price tag, setting potential purchasers back $1m (637,000).
However, anyone wanting to buy one of the custom-built machines does have a choice of colours – including pink.
Juice Rap News presents the new bulletin of “news show for the internet nation”.
Robert Foster talks about rebel journalists who dare to challenge the establishment’s grip on information. No reliable media at a time of corporate wars. The people of Earth are misinformed as “speakers of truth are censored and imprisoned”.
Special guests of the episode are WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange and the emperor of NewsCorp Rupert Murdoch. Foster dedicates this bulletin to Bradley Manning who helped Assange to leak papers from the Pentagon and reveals how the war on journalism is waged.