Mitt Romney Style (Gangnam Style Parody)

October 8, 2012 by  
Filed under Satire

GOP takes a Dive: Todd Akin Claims Breastmilk Cures Homosexuality

August 29, 2012 by  
Filed under Satire

Putting this in the Satire section as its impossible to believe this guy could even say this crap…. Regardless – Akin seems to be a creation of some Obama friendly Psy Op.

 

Daily Current

Missouri U.S. senate candidate Todd Akin has stoked more outrage today by claiming that male homosexuality is a disease and that the medical establishment has found the cure.

The Republican congressman, already under fire for his controversial comments regarding rape, told a reporter for Cape Giradeau’s KBSI 23 News that “female breastmilk – when fed directly to an adult homosexual male daily for at least four weeks – has a 94% chance of permanently curing homosexual perversions.”

“Lesbians can be cured by drinking something else.” (cough, choke…)

Akin made the scientifically dubious statement during an interview that was supposed to mark the “rebirth” of his campaign to defeat incumbent U.S. senator Claire McCaskill.

Akin was leading in the polls until August 19th when he told a local radio host that victims of “legitimate rape” could not become pregnant because “the female body has ways of shutting that whole thing down.” In the wake of the ensuing controversy his 11 point lead in the polls has turned into a 10 point deficit, and observers have written off his chances at winning the seat.

No Means No

Facing certain defeat, all major figures in the Republican Party have called for Akin to stand aside and allow another candidate to run. The Republican Senatorial Campaign Committee and several important outside groups have also pulled funding for his bid.

Despite the heavy pressure, Akin has refused to step aside saying he is in the race to win.

In the interview Akin explained that he will never back down from his beliefs and he is excited to bring his unique brand of conservatism to the U.S. Senate.

Ducking questions about his viability he proceeded to educate reporter Jeff Raskin on several issues very close to his heart including the global conspiracy to falsify the fossil record in the name of “radical Darwinism”, and the plot to turn Michigan into the capital of a new Islamic States of America.

Spray the Gay Away

But the congressman really hit his stride when discussing homosexuality.

“This may surprise you Jeff, but I don’t think homosexuality is a choice. We evangelicals, we know that it’s a disease. But the good news is – we have the cure.”

Akin then explained, “The National Institutes of Health has treated hundreds of young men through clinical trials at their headquarters in Maryland. They don’t want the public to know because the secular liberal elites have succeeded in brainwashing the public into believing that homosexuality is a positive thing.”

“We now know how to purge men of sin and put them on a path towards god. Why can’t every gay man in America have that knowledge? Just 4 weeks of live breastfeeding can cure them of their terrible suffering. Why aren’t we talking about this?”

Somewhat dumbfounded by the brazenness of Akin’s pronouncement, the reporter then asked if this supposed treatment only worked on men.

“Lesbians can be cured by drinking something else,” Akin replied “I’ll leave that one to your imagination.”

Claire McCaskill has issued a statement denouncing Akin’s latest gaffe as “an outrageous and offensive pseudo-scientific slander” and called on national Republicans to “respect the choice of Missourians” and allow Akin to continue his campaign.

UPDATE: Reader Tami has sent us her version of how Time magazine should respond to today’s news.

 

Gen Wesley Clarke hosts Military meets d list Celeb reality Show (Colbert, Lee Camp Riff it)

August 15, 2012 by  
Filed under Satire

Gag….

New Super Robot with twin guns is unveiled

July 30, 2012 by  
Filed under Satire, Sci-Tech

 

Life imitating art…. Death by Robot?

 

Big Pond News

A massive robot that can carry a seated human pilot, and is armed with twin gatling guns, has gone on show in Japan.

Kuratas is described as the world’s first giant boarding robot, no doubt inspired by the “mechs” of Japanese anime and manga comic book culture which features human controllers inside a walking vehicle.

But Kuratas is different in that it offers two types of control system.

The robot can be piloted directly (Ala Avatar), or remotely by a user connected to a 3G device such as a laptop, tablet or smartphone (drone).

The firm that made the robot, Suidobashi Heavy Industry, even released a tongue-in-cheek video showing how to operate the robot.

It was unveiled to the world at the Wonder Festival in the Tokyo suburb of Chiba.

Kuratas, which is referred to as the Vaudeville project in a promotional video, has two humanoid arms and four wheeled legs – and twin six-barrelled gatling guns – which fire BB-sized pellets at the rate of 6,000 rounds per minute.

According to Suidobashi, the weapons are fired when the operator smiles – a system known as “the smile shot”.

Onlookers immediately likened the presence of the guns to the bipedal ED-209 from Paul Verhoeven’s 1987 movie Robocop.

The Enforcement Droid was being presented to a board meeting when it malfunctioned, fatally opening fire on a hapless young OCP executive called Mr Kinney.

There was no such mishap at the Wonder Festival, and the robot was even allowed out onto the streets of Tokyo, where it was seen being driven through the traffic powered by a diesel engine.

The device, which travels at just 7mph, can be set to move in a low or high position to enhance the pilot’s field of view.

It also features a Lohas launcher – which fires bottles of water – and Iron Crow hands and “feet”.

The robot is huge – measuring four metres in height and weighing four tonnes.

But it also comes with a suitably huge price tag, setting potential purchasers back $1m (637,000).

However, anyone wanting to buy one of the custom-built machines does have a choice of colours – including pink.

The Presidential Debates #1: Obama vs Romney

June 19, 2012 by  
Filed under Satire

I love Goldman Sachs… No I love them more….

Juice News: A News Hope – Julian Assange vs Rupert Murdoch

June 2, 2012 by  
Filed under Satire

Juice Rap News presents the new bulletin of “news show for the internet nation”.

Robert Foster talks about rebel journalists who dare to challenge the establishment’s grip on information. No reliable media at a time of corporate wars. The people of Earth are misinformed as “speakers of truth are censored and imprisoned”.

Special guests of the episode are WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange and the emperor of NewsCorp Rupert Murdoch. Foster dedicates this bulletin to Bradley Manning who helped Assange to leak papers from the Pentagon and reveals how the war on journalism is waged.

North Korean Long Range Rocket Shot Down SATIRE

April 13, 2012 by  
Filed under Satire

Keith Olbermann and Al Gore: the secret emails revealed

April 10, 2012 by  
Filed under Satire

Current TV Fires Olbermann, Hires disgraced ex NY Gov Eliot Spitzer Instead.

On March 30th, Current TV terminated its relationship with outspoken liberal anchor Keith Olbermann. The Daily Caller has exclusively obtained many of the emails between Olbermann and network founder Al Gore in the months leading up to the split. 

They are reprinted here for the first time, in their entirety, and without comment. 

FROM: Keith Olbermann
TO: Al Gore
DATE: June 18, 2011

Dear Albert,

“In the beginning of a change the patriot is a scarce man, and brave, and hated and scorned. When his cause succeeds, the timid join him, for then it costs nothing to be a patriot.”

Those words come from Samuel Clemens, perhaps better known to you as literary colossus Mark Twain.

I need not tell you, Al, that I am that scarce man who refuses to remain silent when he sees injustice, that patriot who stands tall and strong and brave, even when hated and scorned. And I do see injustice – even here at Current TV.

I tried to remedy my current morass without coming to you, Al, but with no remedy forthcoming, I feel compelled to bring to your attention my roadblock, which you shall note is something far more severe than a mere speed bump.

In the new studio for my show, I find no golden scepter despite my explicit request to Joel Hyatt for one. This will be an indispensable part of my new show and I see no reason why I have to justify its expense.

Also, the Current proletariat seem to have no inhibitions about walking up to me and freely engaging me in conversation, as if I have time for their verbal meanderings. For all their faults, my employers at MSNBC made it explicitly clear that if someone wanted to communicate with me, they could do so — but only through letters written in calligraphy that were deposited in a receptacle outside my office between 2:30 a.m. and 3:00 a.m.

Why has this same policy not yet been communicated at Current?

In a letter written in his jail cell in Birmingham, Alabama at a time of great tumult, Martin Luther King, Jr. wrote prophetically: “Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.”

Will you fix my injustices, Al?

Yours Truly,

Keith Theodore Olbermann
Cornell University, Class of 1979

p.s. We also have to replace stinky my car driver — pronto!!!

FROM: Al Gore
TO: Keith Olbermann
DATE: June 22, 2011

Hello Keith,

When do you think they will commodify the rain? Someday they will try and turn it to poison. You came onboard to this endeavor full of promise. Has that good tide soured?

You are a part of me. We are all one. My life force drives Current. I am its noble blood.

I intend to be the Defender of Nature. Will you join me? Gold from streams untapped is all the more sweet. Can you taste it on your tongue?

I am standing in an almond now. It stands inside me. My scepter is made from almond wood and laced with sage. It is powerful. Soon I will command the oceans. The fish listen already.

We are all one. Even Stinky.

Mahalo,

A.G.

FROM: Keith Olbermann
TO: Al Gore
DATE: December 12, 2011Promote my show? Really, Al? Here’s a compromise. I’ll do it when you get me my f’ing golden scepter. Six months in and sill no f’ing scepter. What is this, Somalia TV?

Keith Theodore Olbermann
Cornell University, Class of 1979

p.s. “Car service” number 5 not cutting it. I don’t think it is too much to expect a sedan — and not a two-seater bicycle — to pick me up.

TO: Keith Olbermann
FROM: Al Gore
DATE: December 15, 2011

Hello Keith,

My dreams have begun to trouble me. Our language has not yet caught up with the artist. There is a moon we have visited but do not understand, and in our unwillingness to see clearly, we have tried to turn it into something menacing.

Put it this way: is it a man with a hat, or a hat with a man? If man were to evolve the capacity to grow hats, would we still call them hats? How would we view them? As equals? I hope so.

Are you able to understand what I’m telling you?

Mahalo,

A.G.

FROM: Keith Olbermann
TO: Al Gore
DATE: March 20th, 2012

Albert,

Let me put my cards on the table. I’m not happy about the car service fiascos. I’m not happy that my studio doesn’t have electricity. I’m not happy with the a young Turkish fellow you have on before me. I’m not happy that you expect me to show up to work regularly and sober. I particularly loathe the daily showering rule you have mandated. And as you and the entire staff are abundantly aware by now, I’m especially unhappy about the golden scepter imbroglio.

But I must say that each and every time I reach out to you, you invariably write back with extremely lucid and helpful advice.

So it is in that spirit I come to you on my last leg, a leg that is not young, strong and fresh, but one that is wooden and rotting. I need four things from you immediately, Al, if I am to remain at Current to continue to fight against the one percenters and the corporate oligarchs that threaten this nation, and indeed this very world:

1) 345 days of vacation a year.
2) The public impaling of Joel Hyatt.
3) My f’ing golden scepter.
4) A ruby encrusted toilet seat in my private bathroom.

Yours in Truth,

Keith Theodore Olbermann
Cornell University, Class of 1979

FROM: Al Gore
TO: Keith Olbermann
DATE: March 22nd, 2012

Keith,

When we first shook hands I saw a moon dance. I saw a great river pounding the volcanos of Hawai’i. There are wires all around us that I thought you saw, theories and modes of being far removed from suburban connotations of ease and malfeasance.

It’s become clear over the last few months that you don’t understand the mission of Current. I don’t know if this is because you can’t understand Thomas Kuhn’s theories of scientific revolution, or Cartesian modes of thought, or the life-cycle of Thetans.

It’s not that the dew reflects a perfect world. You can understand that, can’t you? We all are one through technology, but I feel that revolution has left you cold somehow, your unwillingness to accept me as antediluvian. There is a shame to passion.

Mahalo,

A.G.

p.s. any chance you have Elliot Spitzer’s number?

RMR: Rick’s Rant – Neverending Negative Ad

March 28, 2012 by  
Filed under Satire

Dick Cheney heart transplant: Cheney now has a heart!

March 26, 2012 by  
Filed under Satire

Former US vice president Dick Cheney had a heart transplant on Saturday, scotching long-time rumors that he didn’t actually have a heart.

Doctors at Inova Fairfax Hospital in Virginia declared the heart transplant a success, while experts denied the vice president for George W. Bush had used to influence to jump the queue for a new heart.

A statement said the Cheney family do not know the donor of Dick’s new heart, but that they were “forever grateful.”

Social media was ablaze with commentary and jokes at Cheney’s expense. Some saying he didn’t deserve a heart, others saying they thought he didn’t have one, and others even hoping Dick Cheney’s new heart would reject its host.

Many people will now be wondering what happened to Dick Cheney’s old heart.

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